For the past few months, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, and it has caused a few things to change for the better within me. I used to share a lot of personal stories in this blog, but I suppose I drew back from that for various reasons. I didn’t figure anyone really cared, and I just didn’t appear to have time for such potential nonsense. After all, you are only coming to the blog for giveaways and reviews, right? And maybe the occasional historical fact.
Well, I suppose that is a bit presumptuous, and I feel it is high time to return to some of those posts that you may or may not choose to read. This will be the first part in a very long series of posts about me and what makes me tick. I know that sounds scary, but it’s really not. Read at your own risk, and feel free to comment if you would like.
For most of my life, I have been a rather unpopular person who does not make friends very easily. That may sound fatalistic, but it is true. I was the girl who was smart, musically-gifted, kept to herself, and wore dresses every day to school. I’m not joking on any of those points. I was bullied throughout school and even by my neighbors. I was never afraid to stand alone–I did it on a regular basis. I didn’t listen to modern music and watched very few modern films. In fact, I refused to watch movies that were rated PG and higher. I instituted that rule–not my parents. I grew up on songs of the 1950’s and 1960’s, and I figured that was all I needed to listen to. My exception was to listen to some current Christian singers, but I was extremely regimented in what I believed. I honestly did my best not to judge others, but it didn’t work both ways. Once people heard my views, the attacks would begin–both inside and outside of the church.
What was unknown to anyone was that beneath this very regimented exterior, there was raging fire at times. What I mean by that is my active imagination was in high gear a good share of the time. I wrote stories, sang songs, and imagined some of the most wonderful stories on the face of the planet. Long before fan fiction was a phenomenon, I was writing, imagining, and pretending to live it. I had big dreams. I was going to be involved in the entertainment industry even though I didn’t know how or when.
I remember the day that I discovered PBS children’s programming. I was in third grade, and I honestly found some fantastic shows quite by accident. This is going to probably sounds funny, but it is true. I had not heard of Sesame Street nor Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood until that morning that I found them quite by chance. I know I was rather old to be enjoying these, but the music drew me in as well as some of the content. I got interested, and it was Fred Rogers that captured my imagination in an amazing way. I honestly don’t know what it was. I mean, this show was supposed to appeal to little kids, but I continued to watch it clear up through 8th grade. In fact, I only stopped watching it because it was expected that I would. And as a side note, before he passed away, I received a wonderful personal e-mail from him–I remember that day!
Throughout my life, I have had certain entertainment obsessions. I loved Bob McGrath on Sesame Street (don’t know if he is still there, but he was the last time I checked–outstanding singer), Annie, Danny Kaye (don’t even get me started on that one), Andy Williams (oh my–I had probably 40 of his albums), and Michael Crawford (I could go on and on about him). In practically every case, I wrote stories and plays where I met this person and got to perform with him. The longest obsession I had was Michael Crawford. I wrote an entire series of plays in college and throughout my first years of marriage. I had so much fun writing those! And in addition to all of this, I concocted daydreams and sometimes even night dreams about these people.
For several years, I stopped doing this. I often said that it was a sign that I was supposed to be with my husband because my dream world virtually disappeared. It came back as my marriage became increasingly difficult. Then I thought I found love again after my divorce, and my world went away yet again. For quite some time, it has come back, but it has not seemed rather genuine. Here I am getting ready to turn 40, and it just didn’t seem that my dream world was going to continue.
Well, if you have been following me on twitter lately, you might just notice some definite changes. I have been trying to retweet a lot more often, and for some reason, I have been tweeting a lot about certain television series. I honestly never planned this, but it has occurred, and I thought you might wish to know why.
I did hint at some of this in my review here. Last summer (if I remember right), I saw the previews for this new Hallmark show called Signed, Sealed, Delivered. I watched the pilot (read my link above–it’s got it all there), and I remember looking up the show on Hallmark’s website. For some reason, I discovered a twitter account from one of the stars–Eric Mabius. I noticed he was tweeting, and I began to do my research. After all, I loved Oliver O’Toole in the series, and so I was glad to discover that ten shows were planned. I was so glad when it came on at last!
I don’t know why, but I happened to remember this twitter account a few weeks ago. I sent him a tweet, and the fact that he responded carried me through most of the week. Okay, that sounds shallow, but let me keep going. I began to search out everything about him and the the one who plays Shane, Kristin Booth. I have found myself so obsessed that I tweet on a regular basis about the show, and I almost consider Kristin Booth and Eric Mabius as friends (okay, I sound like a stalker, but I’m not).
If you haven’t guessed, Eric Mabius (otherwise known as Oliver O’Toole) has become my current obsession. I feel like I am always thinking of the show as well as him. I have pictures of the show on my computer background as well as on my tablet. I find that I search twitter regularly for more information. I am able to share the most relevant news about what is coming up next, and it is quite an entertaining thing in which to participate.
In addition to this, although I have not written an fan fiction, I have created an elaborate dream world featuring him as well as others in the cast. The weird thing to note is that in all of these “obsessions,” I have never gone to any extremes of wanting to date these people or anything weird like that. I might sound like a silly teenager, and I often find myself thinking witty things concerning these characters (no need to even mention what comes into my mind about Eric Mabius). I can also assure you that if someone were to see me, they wouldn’t have a clue what I was thinking about or even that I was letting my imagination run wild. In fact, you, my lovely blog readers, are the first ones privy to this information.
Now, you might wonder why on earth I would share all of this. After all, is what I am doing advancing the cause of Christianity or furthering my walk with the Lord? I think it is safe to say that until recently I would have said that it really didn’t advance anything. It might have led to my praying for these various actors/actresses/singers on a more regular basis (that’s another story), but it was merely a fun thing to do. However, it was only a few weeks ago that God used this “dream world” of mine to help me discover something that I am still realizing within myself.
For most of my life, I have hidden who I really am. Like I spoke of earlier in this post, I experienced so much rejection that it often seemed better to just let others lead the way. If someone knew who I really was, would they still like me? I let two men change me as well as others, and it was not a rewarding experience. I found myself saying in one of my “dreams” that I was going to no longer be afraid to be me. In other words, if someone wants to be friends or anything else with me, they are going to have to take me as I am. I’m not saying that I will tell everyone everything about me, but I am not going to be afraid to be me. And I am even doing a Bible study with these same themes! Wow!
It’s kind of like this song. You might have heard it, and every time it comes on the radio, I turn it up!
Thankfully, I didn’t let everyone stop me from doing things, but I did give up some of my dreams that I am actually considering trying again. I hope that my simple words make sense, and I would love to hear from any of you about what I have written.
